A wife arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a young lovely thing. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words.
Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving
along the highway, I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled,
so I offered her a lift. She was hungry, so I brought her home and made
a meal from the roast you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had
only some worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you
discarded because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her
the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore
because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I
gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for
you now. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and
asked;
"Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore ??"
So here we are !!!

++++++++++++++

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the
market looking
for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that
service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market
vendor, the
vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you". "Randy here is the
horniest rooster you will ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose
in the
henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he
said, "I'm
counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word (since Randy was
not
a talking rooster after all), he strutted into the henhouse.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a
thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had
finished
having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in
to the
barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same
frantic
pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The
farmer,
watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll
kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in
the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying
there on
his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his
long
tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what
you did,
you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh"
says Randy quietly to the farmer, "The buzzard is getting closer"
------------------------------------

An important Geologist (named Bones) arranges to use an escort service
(high-class prostitution) and winds up with this beautiful Chinese girl
who
speaks little English, but hey, he wasn't in the mood for
conversation anyway.

So they get at it, and she gets into it like no woman he's ever seen!
She
starts yelling this Chinese word and making faces and he can tell he's
driving her crazy! He's never had it so good. So the next morning, he's
golfing with the Chinese ambassador, and he makes a birdie. He suddenly
remembers the word that the woman yelled at what must have been the
moment
of climax the night before, and he yells it out. The ambassador looks
at
him rather oddly, looks at the pin, and says, "no, that was the right
hole..."
++++++++++++
A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase
Manhattan Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the
counter that she wished to take the 3 million dollars that she had in
the
bag and open an account with the bank. But first, she said that she
wished to meet the president of the bank due to the rather large amount
of money involved. After looking into the bag and seeing bundles of
$1,000.00 dollar bills which could have amounted to $3 million dollars,
he called the president's office and saw to it that the old lady met
with
him.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to know the
people
that she did business with on a more personal level. The president then
asked her how she got such a large amount of money
"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she replied. He was quiet for a minute trying to think where she
could have come into $3 million.
"I bet" she stated.
"You bet?!" repeated the president. "As in horses?"
"No," she replied, "I bet on people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just betted on various
things
involving people. All of a sudden she said "I'll bet you $25,000.
00 that by

10:00 am tomorrow your balls will be square." The bank president
figured that

she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He
didn't
see how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful.
He
decided to stay home that evening and take no chances - there was
$25,000.00
at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make
sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the
same as
he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to
come
in at 10:00 am, humming as he went. He knew that this would be a good
day,
how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing absolutely
nothing?
At 10:00 am sharp, the little old lady was escorted into his
office. With
her was a younger man. When the president inquired as to the purpose
for
being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she
always
took him along when there was a large amount of money involved.
"Well", she asked, "what about our bet?"
"I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I
always have been, only $25,000.00 richer!" The lady seemed to accept
this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The president
thought that this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She
instructed
him to bend over then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough everything
was
fine. The president then looked up and saw her lawyer banging his head
against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?" the president asked.
"Oh him," she replied with a shrug, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by
10:00
am this morning that I would have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank
by the balls."

===============================
On a warm sunny day Bill Clinton walks to his office and sees Oprah
Winfrey
(quite a plump lady at the time) walking across the street with her
surf
board.
"Hey Oprah", shouts Bill, "nice weather, isn't it! Goin' surfin' today?"

"No", she replies, "I, no time today, I'm going for my pap smear"

----------------------------------------------------------

A man tells his wife he wants her to go hunting with him she declines
saying she doesn't like hunting but he persists.

She keeps telling him no so he finally says, "Okay, you have 3 choices
either go hunting with me, give me a blow job, or I do you in the butt"

He says, "I'm going out to load the dogs in the truck. When I get back
you better tell me which one it's going to be."

After about 10 minutes he comes back into the house and says" Well?"

She says, "I guess I'll give you a blowjob"

So he drops his pants and she gets on her knees and begins.

After about a minute she spits and says, "Yecch, you taste like shit."

He replies, "Ya, I know. One of the dogs didn't want to go hunting
either."

+++++++++++++++++++

A millionaire who's a devout Catholic decides to go on a luxury
trip to the
Vatican city to see the Pope in person. He flies out to Rome first
class and
arrives in that big square to listen to the Pope address the faithful.
Afterwards, the Pope comes among the people to meet and greet and
deliver
his blessings. The millionaire is standing there, near the front,
wearing his
finest Armani suit and his best gold jewelry and his chest puffs up
as the
Pope approaches. However, the Pope stops just before him and starts
talking
to a stinking, scruffy old tramp who was standing nearby. The Pontiff
put
his hand on the tramp's shoulder and whispers in his ear, then
leaves him and
walks straight past the millionaire. The rich guy was extremely upset,
so he
found the tramp and said "Look, if I give you my clothes, can I have
yours?" The tramp agreed and so the next day, the millionaire, in his
smelly rags, awaited his audience with the Pope. Once again, the Pope
came
among the people, saw the millionaire, unrecognisable through the
grime, put
his hand on his shoulder and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told
you to
fuck off yesterday."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: How do you make your wife scream after an orgasm?
A: Wipe your dick on the curtains.

=================================
One sunny day Superman was out flying around.
Crime was slow that day so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house.
Supe:" Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer". Spidey: "No can
do,
Supe. Got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can not fight crime without
it".
So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up.
Supe:" Hey, Batman! Let's go get a burger and a beer!".
Batman:" Not today, my friend. My Batmobile is down and must be fixed
today. Can't fight crime without it". Disgruntled, Superman takes to the
air, cruising around the skies when he flies over a penthouse
apartment.
And what does he see with his SuperVision, none other than Wonder
Woman,
lying on the deck, spread-eagle, stark-naked! Supe gets a brilliant
idea:
" They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and I've always
wondered what she'd be like with all her Wonder Powers".
So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash and is gone before
anyone
can notice.
All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says," What was that!?!"
Then the Invisible Man rolls off her and replies, "I don't know but it
hurts like hell!".
-----------------------------------------------

The top ten rejection lines given by women (and what they actually
mean):
1. I think of you as a brother
( You remind me of that inbred banjo player in
"Deliverance" )
2. There's a slight difference in our ages
( I don't want to do my dad )
3. I'm not attracted to you in that way
( You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on )
4. My life is too complicated right now
( I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may
hear
phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing )
5. I've got a boyfriend
( I prefer my male cat and half a gallon of ice cream )
6. I don't date men where I work
( I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system,
much less the same building )
7. It's not you, it's me
( It's you )
8. I'm concentrating on my career
( Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is
better
than dating you )
9. I'm celibate
( I've sworn off only the men like you )
10. Let's be friends
( I want you to stay around so I can tell you in
excruciating
detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.
It's that male perspective thing ).

And the top 10 rejection lines given by men (together with what they
really mean)
1. I think of you as a sister ( You're ugly )
2. There's a slight difference in our ages ( You're ugly )
3. I'm not attracted to you in that way ( You're ugly )
4. My life is too complicated right now ( You're ugly )
5. I've got a girlfriend ( You're ugly )
6. I don't date women where I work ( You're ugly )
7. It's not you, it's me ( You're ugly )
8. I'm concentrating on my career ( You're ugly )
9. I'm celibate ( You're ugly )
10. Let's be friends ( You're really ugly )

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon
entering the confessional she said, "Forgive me Father, for I have
sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The
young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times." The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Take
seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it. "The
young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" the priest said
"NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor
takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the
window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed
he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman,
"Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to
fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual
intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm
doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

______________________________________

* Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence!).
* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
* Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two
under the man's eyes.
* Married life is full of excitement and frustration :
- In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman
listens.
- In the second year, the woman speaks and the manlistens.
- In the third year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.
* Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the
other
fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
* It's true that all men are born free and equal - but some of them
get MARRIED!
* There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found
himself married. A year later he muttered something in his
sleep
and found himself divorced.
* There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I
got married.... and then it was too late!"
* They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it
is love; after marriage it is self-defence.

=========================================
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some
important
guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to
be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have
any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down
to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the
door,
down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails,
he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a
little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't
it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went
back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing
right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her
place.

They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next
morning
he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He
gathered
all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out
the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when
he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There
were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very
angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this
time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then
back at the snails and said: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The very Rev Iain Paisley is a well known workaholic. Meetings,
marches
and speeches take up a lot of time and so for the last few years Mrs
Paisley has been getting a bit frustrated as her husband is always too
tired for any nighttime activities.
Above the Paisley marital bed ishangs two flags and a picture of
good
King William of Orange, after taking off his bowler hat and sash and
putting on his orange pyjamas, the Rev goes up to the left-hand flag,
the
Union Jack
"Goodnight Union Jack"
Mr. Paisley shouts in his best whisper and kisses his beloved flag.
Over
too the right-hand side where the Ulster flag is hung
"Goodnight flag of Ulster"
he booms and sweetly kisses the Ulster flag. Finally in-between the two
flags the Rev kisses King Willy
"Goodnight King William, defender of the true Faith".
This goes on night after night, left "Good night Union Jack", kiss,
right "Good night flag of Ulster", kiss, in-between "Goodnight King
William, defender of the true Faith"

Mrs. Paisley finally snaps and in a rage she rips down her
husbands flags
and picture. She has a great idea, and has a union jack tattoo on the
inside of her left thigh and Ulster flag tattoo on the inside of her
right thigh.
That night Mrs. Paisley lays on the bed with her legs open as her
husband
comes in. The Rev is a little perplexed at first at the loss of the
flags but sees the tattoos. He kisses the inside of the left thigh
"Good night Union Jack",
and then the inside of the right thigh
"Good night flag of Ulster",
Then he moves to kiss in-between and says

"I'm fucked if I'm kissing Gerry Adams".
_________________________________________________________
FUCK

Describes many emotions, no other word can be used in such various
grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun (I don't give a fuck), as
an adjective (its a fucking beauty; as a verb in its transitive form
(the game was fucked up by the weather); and the intransitive form (he
well and truly fucked up). Everyday expressions show its true
versatility:
Denial I'll be fucked if I did
Perplexity I know fuck all about it
Apathy Who gives a fuck anyway
Greeting How the fuck are you
Goodbye Fuck off
Resignation Oh fuck it
Derision He fucked everything up

The word has of course been use by some very famous personages through
the years, the more notable of them being:

"What the fuck was that?"..............................Mayor of
Hiroshima
"Look at all those fucking Indians!"...................General Custer
"Where's all that fucking water coming from?"..........Captain of the
Titanic
"What a place to plant a fucking tree!"................Mark Bolan
"That's not a real fucking gun!".......................John Lennon
"The fucking throttle's stuck!"........................Donald Campbell
"Who's got to fucking know"............................President Nixon
"I am outside the fucking exclusion zone!".............Captain of the
General Belgrano
"Heads are going to fucking roll".....................Anne Boleyn
"Who let the fucking woman drive?".....................Space Shuttle
captain
"Watch him, he'll have some fuckers eye out!"..........King Harold
"I thought I could smell fucking petrol!"..............Nikki Lauda
"What fucking map?"....................................Mark Thatcher
"its my best fucking coat!"............................Michael Foot
"She's just a fucking secretary!"......................Cecil Parkinson
"He's just a fucking mate!"............................Jeremy Thorpe
"Any fucker can understand that!"......................Albert Einstein
"Of course it fucking looks like her!".................Pablo Picasso